


fickle game

by apricotaeris



Series: i can't escape the way i love you [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Songfic, even when he's being tough, okay?, spencer reid is soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 23:56:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21089939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apricotaeris/pseuds/apricotaeris
Summary: Why didn’t he just say it: "Do you really love me?" Yes. Yes, she meant it. Yes, she loves him.//JJ thinks. And she thinks, and she thinks. Mostly about Spencer.





	fickle game

_ I wanna be older _  
_ I wanna be stronger _  
_ I don’t want to fall at the start _  
_ I want to be quicker _  
_ I want to get closer _ _  
I don’t want to feel worlds apart_

/

_ “It’s okay. Everything’s okay.” _

_ How, Spence? How is it okay? _ JJ wants to know, she really does. How can everything be okay when she spilled her guts because she was forced to? How can everything be okay when she’s not even sure how he…

Despite knowing him better than probably anybody else--even Diana, now--, JJ can’t read the emotions in his eyes. The only thing she can read is the shock on his face. How did he not _ know _?

_ “Did you mean it?” _

Why didn’t he just say it? _ Do you really love me? _ Yes. Yes, she meant it. Yes, she loves him.

It changes everything, she thinks. Yet, it changes nothing. Spencer is still her best friend and that’s all. It really is.

She wishes maybe she would have told him sooner. Before Maeve, maybe. Before Michael? Before she married Will? No. It wouldn’t have been right. It wouldn’t have worked for them then. Somehow, she knows that. Maybe they were never meant to be.

/

_ Because I’m fast enough to get in trouble and not fast enough to get away _ _  
_ _ And I'm old enough to know I'll end up dying and not young enough to forget again _

_ It’s all a fickle game _ _  
_ _ Life’s a fickle game we play _

/

JJ struggles.

Spencer is incredible with her children, incredible with everyone. He holds them, he talks to them like they’re grown ups, and he loves them. And JJ struggles because it’s crystal clear to her that he’s meant to have a family. He’s not meant to be so alone.

He comes in to work with a smile most days, he’s always quick to step in and help anybody who needs it, and he pretty much acts just like the best friend she knows. He hasn’t changed at all after her confession, but a part of her wishes he would have. She wishes he would have said something, done something, to let her know that he’s struggling or suffering or disgusted with her.

She thinks about what would have happened if he’d kissed her. What if he had cut her free and held her? Said, _ I love you too _?

No. Instead, she gets her compassionate, kind friend, who has pretty much always taken care of her. That should be more than enough, and is more than she deserves.

“Hey, is anybody in there?”

JJ snaps back to reality at the gentle hand on her shoulder.

Spencer smiles when she shakes her head to clear out the cobwebs. “I asked if you were gonna stay here until midnight or if you were heading out.”

At her confusion, he displays his watch. It’s eleven-thirty.

“Wow, how long have I been staring off into space?”

It doesn’t surprise her that he knows the answer. “Ninety-four minutes and twenty-seven seconds.” His cheeky smile reminds her that Spencer likes to tease. “Go home, JJ. Wait any longer and Henry’ll fall asleep waiting up for you.”

She can’t help it. She pulls him into a hug, breathing him in for a moment. “Yeah, and he’s not as easy to carry to his room as he used to be. Thanks, Spence.”

He laughs lightly, flicking her hair as she pulls away.

/

_ I want to be older _  
_ I wanna be stronger _  
_ I don’t want to fall at the start _  
_ I want to be quicker _  
_ I want to get closer _ _  
I don’t want to be worlds apart_

/

He takes a week off in July and nobody knows why. Well, nobody knows, but she assumes that Emily does and isn’t telling. She’s the unit chief, after all. She had to have approved his leave. Then again, with Spencer, she thinks Emily would only ask if she was really concerned.

They take a case in Albany and it’s really hard on the whole team. They’re two steps behind the entire time and even though they catch the killer, they don’t manage to save the last girl he took. She thinks that if Spencer were there, maybe they could have.

But she stops that train of thought immediately. It’s not fair to wish he wasn’t taking time for himself, especially if it’s important to him. He deserves better from her. If he can still treat her like his best friend after listening to her confession, then she can allow him a week of vacation time. She thinks she should allow him virtually anything after what she did.

But she misses him. She misses his presence and the reassurance that he’ll have her back no matter what. After so much time without him during his imprisonment, it’s really hard to be away from him, despite the two years since.

She doesn’t call Will.

/

_ Because I'm fast enough to get in trouble and not fast enough to get away _ _  
_ _ And I'm old enough to know I'll end up dying and not young enough to forget again _

_ It's all a fickle game _  
_ Life's a fickle game we play _ _  
It's a fickle game_

/

For the first time in months, JJ sleeps like a baby. She doesn’t overthink, she doesn’t even really dream. She wakes up feeling refreshed, drops the kids off on her way to work, and steps into the job feeling like a new woman.

“Hey, Jayje. You’re looking lively this morning,” Garcia tells her, grinning. “What happened over your vacation?”

She smiles but doesn’t answer.

“You’re not pregnant again, are you?” her boss asks. Emily’s eyes are looking her up and down, but JJ’s not pregnant.

She shakes her head. “No, not at all. I slept well, though. And Michael lost a tooth last night.”

Her two friends stare at her for a moment before turning to each other. “Okay, she’s acting weird.”

Emily nods. “Yeah.”

But how can she tell them? How can she tell them when she’s still not completely sure what happened?

Well, she knows. She does know. She just isn’t sure how to wrap her head around it. But that’s okay. She doesn’t feel disgusted when she looks herself in the mirror. She doesn’t cry herself to sleep every other day thinking that she’s an awful person.

_ Finally _, she thinks, she’s content. She can move forward without any regrets, and that’s that.

If she turned just a little to the left, she wouldn’t have been able to deny the heartbreak written all over Spencer’s face.

/

_ Because I'm fast enough to get in trouble and not fast enough to get away _ _  
_ _ I'm old enough to know I'll end up dying and not young enough to forget again _

_ I'm sick of fickle games _ _  
_ _ Life's a fickle game we play _


End file.
